PND, Baby and Me
Firstly, I would like to thank every last one of you who read, liked, commented and shared my ‘PND, Baby and Me’ blog from a few weeks ago. The level of support was indescribable, and I am so grateful to you all. It made me really realise that I am most definitely not alone with this and it has made me feel more supported than ever before and hearing that my openness helped others is the silver lining to the grey cloud that I live under. I have now been back at work for over a month since returning from maternity leave and felt it was time to update you all on my journey – the highs and the lows.
The first day back at work was like leaving my brain and all my organs at home. All day I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, and I definitely couldn’t wait for it to all be over. Labour was tough but bloody hell leaving Finn that first morning was a million times more difficult. Every second I could, I was desperately checking my phone for constant reinsurance that he was ok. Of course, Finn was totally fine. In fact, he was having a wonderful time with his Nana and it appeared that he wasn’t even bothered by the whole thing! But I couldn’t shift the feeling churning away in my gut. I just needed to be with him. Walking through the door at the end of the day was an instant relief and seeing my boy again was like I hadn’t seen him for years – not just a few hours. I knew that it wasn’t healthy for me to feel like that every day I was at work. I knew that it would make me ill and I knew things in my mind would be in an even darker place. Finn and I survived day 1. I knew we could do this. I had to be able to do this.
As the days have become easier and the phone checking is, slowly, starting to decrease; something huge, something triumphant and something that I never believed would happen has happened and this is one of the biggest milestones with my PND since returning to work. We had a baby free night away! For over 24 hours, Finn stayed with Nana whilst Mama and Dada had a night on the town for my birthday. Well, we were asleep before 11pm but still.
In the weeks and days leading up to the big day, I was constantly stressing, panicking and worrying and I lost count of the amount of times that I said we could just take him with us or not go at all! But I knew, deep down, that a night away would be good for us (sleep yahhhh) but also good for Finn. I might have woken up several times, considered calling at 2am to see if he had woken for a feed yet and didn’t embrace the opportunity for long lie in but I still managed to stay away for the night. It might not seem like a big deal to many parents out there but, for someone who couldn’t even nip to the shop for a pint of milk without their baby, this was like completing a marathon. Go Team Jaz!
Now, I might have completed that race, and I definitely didn’t win gold, but I am happy with my bronze medal. This is a constant up hill battle with endless hurdles in my way, but I am still pushing and jumping through my constant anxiety monsters.